NOT QUITE THE HONEYMOON

Yaaba:😭😭😭

Maame: Ayiforo!Why the tears? Sup?

Yaaba:🍆

Maame: Why? Is he not a man?

Yaaba: Maame that is not it, he is too much of a man!

Maame: What do you mean?

Yaaba: It cannot fit!

Maame:

Ah.. wait… 🤣🠊

But Kobby is so short and skinny, Sanaa he’s packed his height and weight somewhere!

Wait- are you for real?

Yaaba: 🙄I am going to pretend that you didn’t say that. Do I look like I’m Kalybos’ing right now?

Maame:

Wait- but – Ah it’s been it been almost a week!!!

Yaaba: I know!! Why do you think I am texting you?

Maame: but what are you using your phone for? Have you not asked brother google yet?

Yaaba: 😔Google is even more discouraging, I read the story of a couple who had issues for six months!

Maame: Eiiiiii! Eniɛ wear your seatbelt eh looool! How can you be virgining yourselves in marriage. Lol

Yaaba: This is not funny Maame, I think Kobby is very worried. I think there’s something wrong with me.

Maame: I am sorry. This is sensitive. Ok I am serious now. So, did brother google offer any solutions?

Yaaba: Well, there are recommended lubes to use.

Maame: And….?

Yaaba: We haven’t tried any yet.

Maame: Herh what do you mean by that? Or you naa you don’t want to do the do ehn?

Yaaba: I forgot to buy one!

Maame is typing

Yaaba: I know I messed up, stop writing the thesis!

Maame: Hold on, I need a second to process this. You mean to tell me that you, a virgin, who married another virgin forgot to take lube on your honeymoon. What were you hoping to happen exactly? Deliverance? It’s not as if both of you are criff too! I want to insult you but my fingers won’t be fast enough. Let me send a voice note.

Yaaba: Look who is insulting me, it’s not as if you would have done any better than I did. Mtcheew. The real question here is, how are we going to get the lube now?

Maame: Ah! But how is that my problem?

Yaaba: we went to the pharmacy to get some, but they have this weird type that I am afraid to use. I read about this XLube brand I think that would be best. I liked the reviews

Maame: Oh yeah I have heard about that brand

Yaaba: Ei are you not a virgin?!

Maame: Sister, Virgin does not mean my eyes and head, and my research faculties are virgin too. My eye red for my honeymoon wai. No child’s play there! I aspire to be too busy to know where my phone is koraa.

Yaaba: It’s ok, you don’t need to throw shades. I am already in the forest.

Maame: Lol ekutia biara nyim ne wura. So what’s the plan?

Yaaba: I want you to buy it in Accra, go to the cantonment pharmacy.

Maame: Herh you are a joke! Lmao! This has to make it to my blog! Lool “Girl sends bestfriend Sex Lube on her honeymoon! Rotflmao

Yaaba: What are friends for lol. This is May day, May day, Titanic Style🤣🤣🤣

Maame: lol let me rephrase: Girl saves virgin-bestfriend’s marriage by sending her emergency sex lube during honeymoon! Imagine the clicks, the views! I will hit roofffffff!

Yaaba: Maame be serious. Will you do this or nah?

Maame: Do I have a choice? Me I can’t look your kupe husband in the eye when I get there. We will all know what I am there for. Too awkward charle. I feel like I will never be welcome in your home after this.

Yaaba: Simple koraa. Send a delivery guy.

Maame: Waa look! She has answers for everything too! Sharp girl, sharp girl, you didn’t buy lube for your own honeymoon

Yaaba: lol,😘😘😘 I love you too! So you will send it in the early in the morning ehn?

Maame: Ei will they be open by 6am? I have to be at the Peace Awards meeting at 8.

Yaaba: Wo ni hao. They are a 24hr Pharmacy.

Maame: Boi, I can now tell that you are really desperate lol

Yaaba: I really am!!
We didn’t wait 4 years for this!!!

Maame: Of course you didnt! 100k wedding and the 16 Bridesmaids and groomsmen!

Nyinaa ekyere no show! You people shock fans herh!

Yaaba: Madam! I know I owe you for life, Issokay don’t play my apawa here.

Maame: you really do! I don’t know what can beat this! Breathtaking photos breaking the gram but you struggling to break the important tin🤣🤣🤣😭🤣😭🤣

Yaaba:🤦🏾‍♀️ I’m dead!

Maame: You’re no where close to death. You haven’t even closed your eyes to sleep. I’m going to dedicate a whole blog post to you! I’ll send you a text when I send the delivery guy.

Yaaba: You know this is why I love you right?

Maame: Oh gerrout!

Sister Sister:

“What do you have against that man? He’s been nothing but kind to you Mensima. He’s handsome, probably rich or will soon be rich, and he’s a Doctor!”

Karley paused and turned to look at Mensima, who was in the driving seat, waiting for a reaction but Mensima’s eyes were fixed the road, her hands firmly gripping the steering wheel. When it was clear to Karley that she wasn’t going to get any response, she continued her argument.

“He’s a doctor o? Doctor! Do you know how difficult it is to find good men these days?”

Mensima who couldn’t resist a chuckle retorted, “Karley, how many times do I have to tell you that the profession of a man or his appearance is not an indicator of his true character?”

She immediately regretted speaking because she knew she had just fuelled Karley’s argument. Karley just doesn’t know when to stop Mensima thought to herself; Actually, she does, only when she’s convinced herself that the other party is also convinced that she is right.

As Mensima’s old Nissan Pickup screeched slowly to a stop at the Kwashieman traffic light she turned to eye her friend, wondering for the umpteenth time why her friend was a pediatric nurse instead of a lawyer.

“Madam, when I say “good” I don’t mean character only. I mean He’s an Adam- He has all you need for you to comfortably slip into the position of Eve. He can take care of you. You don’t have to worry too much.” Karley defended and begun fidgeting with the window roller of the front seat, trying to get some air in.

Mensima had gone to pick up Karley from the 37 Military Hospital where she worked. She was already regretting the act of kindness because she could tell Karley would not stop talking till they got to Tetegu, which was still over an hour away thanks to Friday traffic in Accra, so she threw in something she knew Karley liked talking about more than other people’s issues- Herself.

“How the wedding plans coming along?”

“You don’t get to be smart with me young lady; I know what you’re doing.” Karley had caught Mensima’s move, but she answered anyway “Hmm.. at this rate, I don’t know if I will get to be Mrs. Nutsukpui by June!” Do you know that Fui’s parents insist that I attend their EP church for the marriage counseling? I mean how? I am already sacrificing so much, I am trading my beautiful surname Arden- Clarke for their Nutsukpui, I am wearing Ewe Kente for the traditional marriage, I am even agreeing to only three bridesmaids instead of six, and a simple trumpet gown instead of my intended dreamy princess ball gown. As if all these aren’t enough, they want me to do six months of counseling, when we have already done three months at my church! Why, do they want us to get PhDs in marriage counseling before we marry? I can’t deal with their pettiness!

Mensima tried to hide the smile that was beginning to form at the corners of her mouth; it was just like Karley to see the pettiness in everyone but herself. “That must be really frustrating. What does Fui think of all this?” she asked again, determined to let her friend go on about her wedding plans for the rest of their journey home.

“Oh! that one! He doesn’t seem to care about anything o- very typical.” Karley stressed her words in a way only she knew how. “I am planning this wedding by myself; I may as well marry myself for all he cares!” she added throwing her hands up in irritation. This time Mensima laughed, her friend could be such a drama queen when she wanted to.

“I’d love to see you marry yourself. Oh boy, what a spectacle it would be!” Mensima said, between fits of laughter.

“Maame Efua Mensima Dadson!” Karley playfully scolded. “You’re supposed to be on my side here. What sort of Maid of Honour are you?”

“Sorry Ma’am” Mensima managed to say between giggles.

“But people have done worse you know?” I recently read of a woman who married a train station! A freaking train station!” Karley exclaimed

“No oo- wait. So how did she- I mean they- consummate the marriage?”

“ooooh, that’s the best part. She said she has mind sex with it!”

“Ei! Asem o.  I am still puzzled my sister. Doesn’t the state have to pay her? They are using her husband for profit right? And how will they have kids? New train stations maybe? Did she change her surname? Ah but what if she divorces the train station- oh well maybe she signed a prenup with it!”

Karley was by this time convulsing with laughter on the reclined front seat and had tears rolling down her cheeks. “Miss Analyst! Abeg marry Kaneshie Station as research and let me know your findings!”

“Tweaa, why Kaneshie station? I will marry Dubai, That’s the coolest dude in town at the moment!

“Aaah at least I know why you’re not interested in the doctor. What’s his name again?”

Trust Karley to circle back to the issue she really wants to discuss. “This conversation is not about me Madam, let’s think of how to handle your in-laws tactfully.”

“As for them, I don’t know what to say or do about them. They really don’t like the fact that I am Ga. That’s the root cause of everything. And since I can’t do anything about that, I guess we will have to manage this sweet and sour relationship for a while.”

“You really think it’s about that? Come on Karley, I mean reducing the number of bridesmaids sounds more like economics than tribalism to me.”

“They are not the ones paying for the wedding, Fui and I are. And we are fine with what I want.”

“Of course he is. He is marrying you. I think his parents, and yours to be fair, are just not used to this kind of pageantry where a wedding is concerned. I can understand their logic”

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re on my side or theirs. I am seriously reconsidering my choice of Maid of Honour. Candace would do a better job.”

“I am sorry love. You should have added a JD or at least given me some orientation when you offered me the position, you know this my first time. I have no idea what my job is besides trying to keep your overpriced makeup from melting off your face on the day.”

“Oh Goodness! It’s bad enough that I may be marrying myself come June, now I have to be my own Maid of Honour as well!” Karley exclaimed, faking exasperation.

Don’t worry. You’ll survive, if you don’t you should be assured that I can at least write a bad ass tribute.”

“God forbid! Stupid girl!”

The Hostel Manager, The Programmer and Me ;)

Tadaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!

So as you may have noticed, I recently acquired a brand new name! Rosa Antoinette ( Kuukua Annang Asante ( here’s the part where I do my happy dance and display all my 32 and couple more teeth lol.) Yes, I got married to a very beautiful person Francis Asante. Anyone who has met this man will understand how easy it was for me to  “fall” for him, and how privileged I am to share life with him . I am still working on finding the words to describe how I feel, God really outdid himself on this one. Maybe I will share that in another post.Right now I just want to share a bit of my joy, and some pictures  with you.

How we met…

Put simply, we were sold the same room at a hostel by a crook of a hostel manager called Pa George ( Shout outs to all the GIJ alumnae who can relate- Anthony Jackson, Jemila, Ini and the rest!). This was in 2010 I think, when I was studying for a Diploma in Communication Studies at the Ghana Institute of Journalism, and he was studying Computer Science at Ashesi University which was then located at Labone.

When it was time for us to move in, my roommate Araba and I were shown a room which was already being occupied by Francis and his roommate Henry! Of course I was angry, but my mother was angrier, you should have seen how she lashed out at the old man. Pa George eventually gave Araba and I a new room ( a better deal actually, thanks to Mama) but I had to meet the guys who “stole” our room and I did meet one of them – The One. We became friends, very good friends,(ok we dated, but you know our parents don’t like hearing tins like that ah)  and well, here we are now!

Lesson: In all things give thanks – even for the Pa Georges of your life! lol

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These young vendors made magic happen for me. I’d totally recommend them to you, check them out 0n instagram!

Photography: The MemoryLane Crew

Kente Dress: Zoya_ 233

Hair: RevUp Salon Gh

MakeUp: Lamisi MakeUp Artistry