NOT QUITE THE HONEYMOON

Yaaba:😭😭😭

Maame: Ayiforo!Why the tears? Sup?

Yaaba:🍆

Maame: Why? Is he not a man?

Yaaba: Maame that is not it, he is too much of a man!

Maame: What do you mean?

Yaaba: It cannot fit!

Maame:

Ah.. wait… 🤣🠊

But Kobby is so short and skinny, Sanaa he’s packed his height and weight somewhere!

Wait- are you for real?

Yaaba: 🙄I am going to pretend that you didn’t say that. Do I look like I’m Kalybos’ing right now?

Maame:

Wait- but – Ah it’s been it been almost a week!!!

Yaaba: I know!! Why do you think I am texting you?

Maame: but what are you using your phone for? Have you not asked brother google yet?

Yaaba: 😔Google is even more discouraging, I read the story of a couple who had issues for six months!

Maame: Eiiiiii! Eniɛ wear your seatbelt eh looool! How can you be virgining yourselves in marriage. Lol

Yaaba: This is not funny Maame, I think Kobby is very worried. I think there’s something wrong with me.

Maame: I am sorry. This is sensitive. Ok I am serious now. So, did brother google offer any solutions?

Yaaba: Well, there are recommended lubes to use.

Maame: And….?

Yaaba: We haven’t tried any yet.

Maame: Herh what do you mean by that? Or you naa you don’t want to do the do ehn?

Yaaba: I forgot to buy one!

Maame is typing

Yaaba: I know I messed up, stop writing the thesis!

Maame: Hold on, I need a second to process this. You mean to tell me that you, a virgin, who married another virgin forgot to take lube on your honeymoon. What were you hoping to happen exactly? Deliverance? It’s not as if both of you are criff too! I want to insult you but my fingers won’t be fast enough. Let me send a voice note.

Yaaba: Look who is insulting me, it’s not as if you would have done any better than I did. Mtcheew. The real question here is, how are we going to get the lube now?

Maame: Ah! But how is that my problem?

Yaaba: we went to the pharmacy to get some, but they have this weird type that I am afraid to use. I read about this XLube brand I think that would be best. I liked the reviews

Maame: Oh yeah I have heard about that brand

Yaaba: Ei are you not a virgin?!

Maame: Sister, Virgin does not mean my eyes and head, and my research faculties are virgin too. My eye red for my honeymoon wai. No child’s play there! I aspire to be too busy to know where my phone is koraa.

Yaaba: It’s ok, you don’t need to throw shades. I am already in the forest.

Maame: Lol ekutia biara nyim ne wura. So what’s the plan?

Yaaba: I want you to buy it in Accra, go to the cantonment pharmacy.

Maame: Herh you are a joke! Lmao! This has to make it to my blog! Lool “Girl sends bestfriend Sex Lube on her honeymoon! Rotflmao

Yaaba: What are friends for lol. This is May day, May day, Titanic Style🤣🤣🤣

Maame: lol let me rephrase: Girl saves virgin-bestfriend’s marriage by sending her emergency sex lube during honeymoon! Imagine the clicks, the views! I will hit roofffffff!

Yaaba: Maame be serious. Will you do this or nah?

Maame: Do I have a choice? Me I can’t look your kupe husband in the eye when I get there. We will all know what I am there for. Too awkward charle. I feel like I will never be welcome in your home after this.

Yaaba: Simple koraa. Send a delivery guy.

Maame: Waa look! She has answers for everything too! Sharp girl, sharp girl, you didn’t buy lube for your own honeymoon

Yaaba: lol,😘😘😘 I love you too! So you will send it in the early in the morning ehn?

Maame: Ei will they be open by 6am? I have to be at the Peace Awards meeting at 8.

Yaaba: Wo ni hao. They are a 24hr Pharmacy.

Maame: Boi, I can now tell that you are really desperate lol

Yaaba: I really am!!
We didn’t wait 4 years for this!!!

Maame: Of course you didnt! 100k wedding and the 16 Bridesmaids and groomsmen!

Nyinaa ekyere no show! You people shock fans herh!

Yaaba: Madam! I know I owe you for life, Issokay don’t play my apawa here.

Maame: you really do! I don’t know what can beat this! Breathtaking photos breaking the gram but you struggling to break the important tin🤣🤣🤣😭🤣😭🤣

Yaaba:🤦🏾‍♀️ I’m dead!

Maame: You’re no where close to death. You haven’t even closed your eyes to sleep. I’m going to dedicate a whole blog post to you! I’ll send you a text when I send the delivery guy.

Yaaba: You know this is why I love you right?

Maame: Oh gerrout!

How to Search for a Job in Ghana

You’ve finally graduated university. All praise to God who has shown you  such mercy. Now you too wield a certificate, the ultimate weapon of survival in this our economy. It doesn’t matter that you had Third class; we all know the hustle you went through to get to where you are. Shame on all the witches in your family who made that particular lecturer refer you twice, *onyame entua omu ka and may  God forbid that their children get to your level in life.

            Now you need a job. Yes. But not just any kind of job; you need one that befits your qualification. One that has many zeros at the end of the first two digits, and entitles you to a car and even a house in your first three months. Only the Ghanaian God can provide this and that is why you will pray to him, and pay your tithes dutifully, but the Ghanaian God can only help they who help themselves. So *Bra, listen very carefully.

            There are two ways by which you can secure this kind of job. The first is by protocol, you know, what we locally refer to as whom- you- know. This method requires you to have “connections”. Now is the time to dig out the numbers of very important people you know or can draw the faintest line of consanguinity to. Call your mother’s step- sister’s husband’s nephew, that one who is the Finance Minister’s assistant. Tell him how sorry you are about the death of his wife, whose funeral you were unable to attend two years ago. Explain your present situation to him, and tell him how you would appreciate his help.

May God forbid that he refuses you, or that he points out how unrelated your third class degree in animal husbandry is to finance. If he does that, quickly remind him of stories you heard about how he funded that grand funeral for his wife, stories of embezzling or some bad dealing. Stories like that are bound to work miracles, there’s always something under the rug.

            Or you can go to your local Assembly Man. Congratulate him on his election into office. They say one good turn deserves another; remind him of your parents’ generous contributions to his campaign for office. Don’t forget to highlight how instrumental you were in the in the campaign process. Remind him of how you sacrificed sleep to supervise the area boys gluing his posters on people’s walls in the middle of the night.

Now tell him what you want, and be sure to add that you are willing to do anything and everything so long as it’s in his office. Ehhn you are selfless like that. If you do not cut it as a member of one of the numerous committees in the assembly, it is not a problem. Tell him you can be his P.A’s P.A, or the carrier of newspapers from the security stand to the office, or  an expert coffee maker. You are very willing to serve. You’re even more patriotic than Kwame Nkrumah!

 To be continued…

*Bra- local slang for Brother

*onyame entua omu ka- May God pay them back in their own coin

P.S. I wrote this in 2010 I think; when I was so addicted to Elnathan John’s series lol.