I promised never to do this- ever! I mean I’m not one of those girls who stalk their exes on social media but I can’t take my eyes off your status:
“We are finally beginning our own beautiful journey, it’s been rough but we are still here and I pledge my forever to you”
So I click on your profile picture: perfectly manicured fingers and a gleaming band on the ring finger. “Wedding band?!” The witch in my head screams. Oh did I mention I named her after your Mum? I call her Bess too because she sounds a lot like her, and well, your mother never liked me anyway.
I’m still staring at your status; What I’m doing is pathetic, I know, but I have lost control of my hand and eyes, Bess has been fighting me for information on you for so long. I think I finally gave up the fight because the headaches from our constant battles are getting worse; and truthfully, a part of me wants to know too. It has been so long since I last allowed myself to think or talk about you. And I still haven’t figured out why we ended up apart.
“Enough! Click on the photos already!” Bess screams in my head again, I cringe at waves of pain that surge through my head at the sound of her voice. I really should see a doctor – no! They will think I’m going crazy. “Well, are you not?” she snorts with disgust. I let out a deep sigh. Maybe I am because I feel my fingers move the cursor to your albums in obedience.
A lot has changed. You have deleted all your photos; there are no more pictures of me, or of us. Only one new album remains: “wedding”. I think I feel my heart stop for a second. I’m not nervous, am I? “You wouldn’t dare! Not after what you did! Bess bellows in rage.
I click on it and my gaze is on locked on the first photo. It is of you and a beautiful lady in a blinding white gown made of the finest embroidery and crystals. For a moment I’m lost in sheer admiration of her perfection. God really knows how to get back at me. Her smooth caramel skin is the least of her physical attractions. Her eyes, goodness they are stunning; her pupils are like black glass pebbles set in crystal almond cases– “She is a goddess! I get it, cut the crap and move on!” I roll my eyes in exasperation again yet I obey Bess and unwillingly my finger clicks the next button in the corner.
I wish I hadn’t. There is no way of unetching that image from my mind now. I feel my heart suddenly become too warm. There is a void at the end of each pounding thud that I didn’t realize was there before. I feel echoes of my heartbeat in my navel; my eyebrows are twitching in rapid succession. My screen is suddenly too bright; or are my eyes getting dimmer? I can’t tell.
I want to scream but my throat is freezing cold, “Am I dying?” I hear myself croak, barely audibly. “No twit! It’s called closure!” I think I hear Bess shout. But even her sharp taunting voice sounds like a mile away because I’m falling down a very long hot hole. I think I’m suffocating– no–I think I’m dying. “Please…I don’t …want to.. die.”I croak again but all I feel about me is the deafening silence, and the deathly darkness from my fall down the long hot hole.
And then there is stillness.