NOT QUITE THE HONEYMOON

Yaaba:😭😭😭

Maame: Ayiforo!Why the tears? Sup?

Yaaba:🍆

Maame: Why? Is he not a man?

Yaaba: Maame that is not it, he is too much of a man!

Maame: What do you mean?

Yaaba: It cannot fit!

Maame:

Ah.. wait… 🤣🠊

But Kobby is so short and skinny, Sanaa he’s packed his height and weight somewhere!

Wait- are you for real?

Yaaba: 🙄I am going to pretend that you didn’t say that. Do I look like I’m Kalybos’ing right now?

Maame:

Wait- but – Ah it’s been it been almost a week!!!

Yaaba: I know!! Why do you think I am texting you?

Maame: but what are you using your phone for? Have you not asked brother google yet?

Yaaba: 😔Google is even more discouraging, I read the story of a couple who had issues for six months!

Maame: Eiiiiii! Eniɛ wear your seatbelt eh looool! How can you be virgining yourselves in marriage. Lol

Yaaba: This is not funny Maame, I think Kobby is very worried. I think there’s something wrong with me.

Maame: I am sorry. This is sensitive. Ok I am serious now. So, did brother google offer any solutions?

Yaaba: Well, there are recommended lubes to use.

Maame: And….?

Yaaba: We haven’t tried any yet.

Maame: Herh what do you mean by that? Or you naa you don’t want to do the do ehn?

Yaaba: I forgot to buy one!

Maame is typing

Yaaba: I know I messed up, stop writing the thesis!

Maame: Hold on, I need a second to process this. You mean to tell me that you, a virgin, who married another virgin forgot to take lube on your honeymoon. What were you hoping to happen exactly? Deliverance? It’s not as if both of you are criff too! I want to insult you but my fingers won’t be fast enough. Let me send a voice note.

Yaaba: Look who is insulting me, it’s not as if you would have done any better than I did. Mtcheew. The real question here is, how are we going to get the lube now?

Maame: Ah! But how is that my problem?

Yaaba: we went to the pharmacy to get some, but they have this weird type that I am afraid to use. I read about this XLube brand I think that would be best. I liked the reviews

Maame: Oh yeah I have heard about that brand

Yaaba: Ei are you not a virgin?!

Maame: Sister, Virgin does not mean my eyes and head, and my research faculties are virgin too. My eye red for my honeymoon wai. No child’s play there! I aspire to be too busy to know where my phone is koraa.

Yaaba: It’s ok, you don’t need to throw shades. I am already in the forest.

Maame: Lol ekutia biara nyim ne wura. So what’s the plan?

Yaaba: I want you to buy it in Accra, go to the cantonment pharmacy.

Maame: Herh you are a joke! Lmao! This has to make it to my blog! Lool “Girl sends bestfriend Sex Lube on her honeymoon! Rotflmao

Yaaba: What are friends for lol. This is May day, May day, Titanic Style🤣🤣🤣

Maame: lol let me rephrase: Girl saves virgin-bestfriend’s marriage by sending her emergency sex lube during honeymoon! Imagine the clicks, the views! I will hit roofffffff!

Yaaba: Maame be serious. Will you do this or nah?

Maame: Do I have a choice? Me I can’t look your kupe husband in the eye when I get there. We will all know what I am there for. Too awkward charle. I feel like I will never be welcome in your home after this.

Yaaba: Simple koraa. Send a delivery guy.

Maame: Waa look! She has answers for everything too! Sharp girl, sharp girl, you didn’t buy lube for your own honeymoon

Yaaba: lol,😘😘😘 I love you too! So you will send it in the early in the morning ehn?

Maame: Ei will they be open by 6am? I have to be at the Peace Awards meeting at 8.

Yaaba: Wo ni hao. They are a 24hr Pharmacy.

Maame: Boi, I can now tell that you are really desperate lol

Yaaba: I really am!!
We didn’t wait 4 years for this!!!

Maame: Of course you didnt! 100k wedding and the 16 Bridesmaids and groomsmen!

Nyinaa ekyere no show! You people shock fans herh!

Yaaba: Madam! I know I owe you for life, Issokay don’t play my apawa here.

Maame: you really do! I don’t know what can beat this! Breathtaking photos breaking the gram but you struggling to break the important tin🤣🤣🤣😭🤣😭🤣

Yaaba:🤦🏾‍♀️ I’m dead!

Maame: You’re no where close to death. You haven’t even closed your eyes to sleep. I’m going to dedicate a whole blog post to you! I’ll send you a text when I send the delivery guy.

Yaaba: You know this is why I love you right?

Maame: Oh gerrout!

My name Bi Bra Mate, Respect My Office

Mate no be easy job at all my paddy. You dey shout make passengers come tap your troski inside, you dey fight station masters den help your master dodge koti. You dey add plus minus, den times plus divide money all the time wey you san dey watch passengers we dey giddown, or enter di bus, or even change demma place so say dem no go pay lorryfare.

E hard waa, dat bi why  I no dey get pipo wey dey get angry if I ask where dem go giddown again. Sometimes them go biz me say dem tok nu I no hear? Anaa I dey bed for the job top? You bore too a them go tok say the customer always right, that matter diε one day we go talk am well. Riddee I no get plenty time, my boss go chop finish ridee, so I wan tell you  some tins we customers dey do wey dey funny me or bore me sometimes.

  1. Pipo wey no dey pεt

Last time some small boy bi come tap wana troski inside, some nyatinyati boy bi o. If I born early a, like my kiddie sef grow pass am. Guy, the boy tap for back seat o, wey e shout,

“Mate! My change!”

Herh the tin go me waa. I tell am say e do a, e for respect people wey grow pass am. I tok am say e for call me ‘Bra Mate’ san add ‘please’ to what e tok. “Charle, commotion pae! the troski inside turn butubutu. The old pipo all dey gree plus me, e lef one woman bi pε o.Ein pε collect the matter for ein eye under. E say e gree say the kiddie for add please but e nor for add Bra biaa sake of Mate bi title. Wey e san ask me say if I go hospital a, I dey call the Doctor ‘Bra Doctor’ anaa?

Herh I conf! The woman use format bab me one time. That gbεkεtee I go the Café we dey for my junction top wey I ask Akoto, the guy wey dey run the place say make e print something give me. I tok say make ein print

MY NAME BI BRA MATE

RESPECT MY OFFICE

 No be ein norr dat? People dey tink say them be quick, dem nor kno  say I bi hurry up.

  1. Pipo wey dey wan teach you blε

E do a, dem wan tell you how you for do your work sef. Like di oda day this chick tell me say e go drop for Jah Love. Bet the way ein tok di tin I no fi hear sef. Ein mention am some kain way be lidat. Ebi the guy wey dey tap by am who mention am make I hear well. I tell am say e do dem for open demma mouth tok well. There norr shoddy turn professor. She say we mmom we no dey tok am well. E do a these chicks dem dey tink say we no tap class before eh, so dem wan rush us. I take am go school one time.

“when you be kiddie, when your teacher tok  s + o what you say?”

“so”

“correct! Then l+ o too bi what”

“lo”

“Ehenn! Ok Lo + ve bi what? No be love?”

Charle the shoddy start dey laugh me o. She say make I mention the o in love like a, so say sound like Jah lav.  Then I start dey bore come so I tell am say dat bi what my teacher teach me. If she no go gree a when we catch the junction make e no giddown. Aloo gyee nakain?

  1. People wey dey use earphones for troski inside

No bro dey bore me pass menners wey dey block demma ears for troski inside. Wey kain life dat? When you tok “yeiiis” dem no dey hear. When you shout demma junction, dem no go hear. When you call demma change sef dem no go biz.

Later later dem go tok say you carry demma money comot! Sia lidat, nanka wat dem dey wan make I do plus am? Post am or momo am? If dem lef demma change a dey way my eye  e get! Sometimes dem go see you like three days later come kai you say demma money dey you. Hmph play dey demma eye top.

Infact I for make Akoto print another sign give me. I go tell am say make e write “IF YOU DON’T COLLECT YOUR CHANGE BEFORE YOU GET DOWN IT EXPIE” Akoto be sharp guy,  e go do am jεjε. The Accra we dey no, we all dey hustle, if you wan dash me cash a, why my eye no for get? Me koraa I wan sell credit for the troski inside, if you make yawa I go use your money make capital.

E check like my Boss finish ein fufu, I for go riddee. Abi you know dada, when you tap wana troski inside a  make you call me Bra Mate. Charle we go crush.

Dear Daddy, your girlfriend is pregnant. 

Dear Daddy,

Your girlfriend is pregnant.

But you already know this. I have seen how easily you snap at everyone who questions you about your sudden pensiveness. This information is more for myself than for you. I couldn’t bring myself to telling you- no, asking you if she really is your girlfriend, so I thought I would write instead.

I always thought you were the best father anyone could have but now I do not know what to think of you. I do not know what to think of your principles and show of love. Maybe that is what it really is, a show. Remember when I told you that Konama’s dad had another wife and child in Takoradi, unknown to his family? Remember what you said to me? You said that the test of a real man is in his fidelity to his wife. Please was that before or after you started sleeping with the usher? You know the one I am talking about, Asorepayin’s niece, Quansema.

I do hope that you have some decency left in you not to deny this because it is not mere accusation if I have the evidence to support it. You know this, because you taught me. I saw the text messages. I saw the pictures she sent to you, and I read the unspeakable things you promised to do to her. I also saw her last message to you. It was confirmation that your secret activities had resulted in a living being, which would soon have a name – or not, if she goes ahead with the abortion as you advised. Yes, I know that too.

It is not my place to, but I feel so betrayed by this. You said no man was bad enough to warrant our judgement so I won’t judge you. I already have issues of my own to deal with. I finally got a job. I am the new Payroll Administrator at Mabel Copes. We, among other things, actually assist young girls with contraceptives and the abortion of unplanned pregnancies. I am sure the Catholic in you is petrified, initially I was too afraid to tell you. But think of it this way, your girlfriend can now have a safe abortion, if she wants to, instead of taking the concoctions you suggested to her. Now let’s thank God, for He indeed works in mysterious ways.

I don’t know if you’re worried about breaking Mama’s heart but please don’t be. She’s been planning to leave you since I was in Secondary school. She always said you were cheating on her. She didn’t have real proof then but thanks to you, well, she’ll soon have some. She’s also almost done with the 5-Bedroom house she’s secretly building in Takoradi. It’s the real reason she visits Grandma so often; it has nothing to do with the old lady’s health. It’s also how I know about Konama’s father’s secret wife. It was she who found out, and told me.

You know Daddy, the irony of all this is that, it is Konama who told me about your girlfriend. She is friends with her, and they are both in the ushering department. When Quansema started showing up to church in different Brazilian and Peruvian weaves, flashing iPhones and fancy bags every week, Konama’s radar went red.

When she found out who Konama’s sugar daddy really was, I am sure she was besides herself with joy. I was almost sold at the sympathetic performance with which she broke the news to me. Then I saw how her eyes lit up when she showed me the screenshots of your conversations with Quansema, and how she laid out her anticipated reactions of Father Gregory and the Parish Pastoral Council, as well as how Asorepayin would take the news. She was having the time of her life narrating the drama that would unfold.

You know she’s not particularly fond of me. She was only telling me this to score another invisible point in her imaginary competition of who is the better of the two of us. At least she’s told me of skeletons in our family’s closet but she’s so blinded by her own perceived perfection of her family that she’s not bothered to shed her FBI torch on them.

Though everyone in the church thinks she will be going to the convent, I know she is no saint. I have also heard that her brother has a boyfriend, and the real reason Asorepayin is often unable to reconcile the church’s budgets is not because of his old age but his sweet tooth and itchy fingers but all of this is none of  my business.

I shouldn’t bore you further daddy, I am sure you have weightier things to occupy your mind at this time. Knowing Konama’s prowess as a gossip, the whole church will know by Sunday what’s going on between you and Quansema. That leaves you 3 days and 12 hours to either get ahead of the story and brace your shame, or flee. I don’t think the church will miss their promiscuous-usher impregnating-catechist an awful lot.

Your Ex- Daughter

Adoma

Life Update: I run my first 5k!

I have started running. Last week was my first ever 5k run ever and I have to be honest guys,

I. ALMOST. DIED!!!

If you know me, and have seen any of my recent photos you would know that I have gained some weight. And have to be very honest most of the weight is actually welcome. I will explain in a bit. I used to be in between size six and eight and it was the most frustrating size ever because shopping was a chore. The top of dress would be tighter than the hip (because I am endowed loool) and I almost always had to buy a size up and have my new clothes altered.

2018 vs 2016 I think

In all honesty I am not even on a weight loss journey (yet). I miss my flat tummy though and I want to get rid of this big blob in front of me. I also suddenly feel the need to be healthy, and I didn’t believe just how bad I had gotten till I saw 4 year olds, 70+ year olds and parents with prams run past and finish ahead of me on Saturday. I want to do better.

October 2017. I miss this!!

I run the first 1k and then did a combination of running and walking, and dragging myself along to the finish line. I finished at 49 minutes lol. I know! It’s not the greatest time but it’s a start, I hope to get better. My thighs are so sore but I hear the more I keep at it the less sore it becomes so I managed to sneak in another 1k on Monday evening. Vim nkotee!

Me finishing the 5k!

I really don’t know how long I can keep this up for but I am glad I started. I need to stay committed to convince myself to get a gym membership. Let’s see if I can make five park runs in a row. Wish me luck 🙂

 

Shoddy no wan marry

Shoddy gree say make we marry

She talk say make we go see ein poppee

i gree

ein poppee say make me den my family come collect list.

we gree.

Dem say this be traditional marriage

bet the list say make we bring cloth from Holland

make we add whiskey from Scotland

Ei the gods sef demma taste go international

Dem say make we add bible, then ring, then hymnbook

ah I no dey bab sometin

when the gods then God tear one team?

why say dem no dey want GTP

Why say dem no go drink akpeteshie or palm wine sef

shoddy bore

she talk say I be controversial

wey I tell am say ibi she mmom dey live for denial inside

how you go do traditional marriage with wig from Brazil

then add shoes from Milan

I no dey want talk make up den oda tins sef

the tins we go share for the traditional marriage under be made in China

the music sef almost all be from Naija

E check like joke bet shoddy bore waa

She say she no go marry again

My paddy, abeg, what I talk wrong?

My First Time Zip Lining!

It wasn’t even planned so I didn’t have the luxury of psyching myself up for it. We were invited by our good friends the Sarpongs on a trip to Stellenbosch. I had never been to Stellenbosch, and so far all I had heard were tales of wine tasting and picturesque views.

I do not drink wine – I find that my taste buds reject everything that’s not coca-cola sweet. “It’s an acquired taste” Francis often says. Yeah well, I haven’t acquired it yet. I don’t think I plan to. I digress, sorry.

I was looking forward to visiting Stellenbosch, the side plan was to go Horse riding or camel riding, or visit a food market or something along those lines. The real plan was to meet up and have lunch with a friend of the Sarpongs who had just arrived from Ghana for a conference here in Cape Town, and then meet up with another friend of ours who was studying in Stellenbosch and was leaving for Ghana soon.

I can’t remember what triggered it but somehow our conversation steered towards obstacle courses. Soon we were googling obstacle courses on our route and that’s how we ended up at Acrobranch.

We didn’t plan for it, but were dressed for it – we all had on trousers and takkies.

Fantastic Five ready for action!

Going up the obstacle course wasn’t much of a difficulty. I was quite comfortable balancing on the ropes, and making my way across hanging ladders to the point where we had to let go. I really felt like the real G lol especially when I could tell some of my companions were scared stiff (Don’t worry Efua, I won’t mention names😋).

So I finally get to the top – a wooden platform of sorts, and I had to let go. Our guide, a friendly chap called Thomas, urged me to raise my legs and trust that I will be supported by the harness when I jumped off the platform.

My people, it took the special grace of God and lots (and lots and lots) of convincing that the harness would not break – even though I had been told multiple times that it could support the weight of an elephant – before I finally let go.

How was it?!

Awesome!!!

It ended quicker than I expected it to. Also, my eyes were closed more than half of the journey down so I didn’t really enjoy it as much as I saw the others do. But being suspended in the air and going down the line at that incredible speed was so thrilling!

I shouldn’t have been as scared as I was in the beginning. I guess the lesson here is you don’t know how you really feel about something until you try it #DeiTumiMoment lol.

Would I do it again?

Yes, Yes, Yes!!

This experience was nothing compared to what I’ve seen on YouTube. I’ve seen people with selfie sticks and GoPro cams suspended 500ft in the air and having the time of their lives. I want that!

I have also read horrifying stories of folks whose zip lines snapped mid-air! But that kind wahala minus me sha #tufiakwa (in Patience Ozorkor’s voice) 😂

I definitely will go zip lining again!